ICAPTURE images

It’s taken 3 months to figure this out! I understand now how I miss you when I am alone, but how the presence of others can amplify this longing.

Other people trigger memories of you. I got that quickly. What I didn’t see was that I miss you in the presence of others because they remind me of what is so special about you. What you have got that they haven’t. You have the most amazing mind and soul, and I miss how everything was just about you+me

When Roy skyped me from Taipei, he told me that his Russian roommate was teaching her language to him. He promised to teach me some Russian when he returns to Cape Town. This pleased me. Why? I love learning other languages, but I was thrilled because this would better our Russian alter-egos. Yes, many people think that we are mad, but we’ve had a lot of fun being Roksana and Radislav, as politically incorrect as it may be.

We spent December 2011 suntanning at a pool frequented by Russian “dancers”. When we were living together, we would dress up as a stripper and a male prostitute, respectively, and make silly videos. There seemed to be no harm in dancing to Russian Dubstep whilst wearing pink wedges, a low-cut top and a long blonde wig. And having that fool in raybans, skinny jeans and a fur-lined jacket there guaranteed that every time it was a scream. It was all just make believe until we decided to speak in Russian accents in a club…

Seated outside a club one night, a guy asked us to mind his drink while he went to fetch something from his car. We obliged, but were in the middle of a Roksana-Radislav conversation. He started asking questions about who we were, and after naively mentioning the suntanning near a strip club, in my thickest Russian accent, he looked at my halter-top and skirt and asked: “Are you a stripper?” He had obviously put my outfit, accent and tanning location together and come up with the most logical answer he could. He told me not to be offended, and that if he was straight, he imagines that he would like girls with big boobs, like mine! He proceeded to ask me my cup-size and then stared at my chest in contemplation. It was a rather strange night.

But, Roksana dances on. She’s surely swinging on poles and doing other stripperly activities when she isn’t with me. And Radislav even made an appearance in Taiwan (in Roy’s flat, of course!). I’m looking forward to taking Roksana out again and letting the Russian flow.

I’ve been telling myself this evening that I can’t go another few months without seeing my best friend. Especially when I thought he’d be back soon! But there’s no point in saying I can’t, because I will.

Not surviving isn’t an option. I’m here, he’s there, and I love him. The decision to soldier on was made for me months before we knew he was going overseas. Because that’s what you do… You want the very best to come to those you love and despite criticism from so many people, I won’t stop loving him. Not that that is even an option!

That’s the beauty in all of this - love is selfless and strong.

Its strange how the most random things can ignite your feelings and remind you of someone you miss. I don’t even know what triggered it tonight. But I miss my soulmate and best friend everyday. Sometimes its just more difficult.

It’s impossible
To combine words
That don’t whisper
That don’t echo
Don’t spark
A memory
A thought
A piece
Of you
A part
(Apart)

FML. Somehow, my friend who is “into” extreme dieting has convinced me to do The Master Cleanse. I formerly referred to it as “that crazy-ass cayenne pepper diet that Beyonce did”. We are doing 5 days, then smoothies for a week. Fuck. I’m gonna be hungry until Monday!